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Quandary (MT...Loss in FOO) - MakersDozn - 04-21-2015










As you may know, our father passed away about seven months ago, and we were devastated by this loss. Our life is only now beginning to regain some sense of "normalcy" after dealing with the estate, while at the same time juggling all of our other problems.

Last night we received word that our uncle (mother's brother) died last Saturday. We had not spoken to him since our mother passed away nearly 15 years ago. While we have no proof that our uncle was an abuser, he was a first-class @$$hole and a creep. We've wanted him dead for years.

Yet we get no satisfaction from hearing the news that it's finally happened. It's as if we expected that we would feel like celebrating, and we don't. And it bothers us that it bothers us. When our grandmother (who definitely abused our mother) died in 2006, we were unequivocally glad. But this time we're stuck in a mixed bag of conflicting feelings.

Add to the mix the fact that our mother's extended family is very large, and they spread such news via email chain. How are we supposed to respond to any of these people? "Thanks for your sympathy, but I've wanted him dead for years"? Nobody's emailed us with condolences, but it's bound to happen, and we want to be prepared for it.

And another thing: Our uncle lived with his partner of approximately 30 years. We have absolutely nothing against his partner except, of course, his choice of companions. So we're stuck trying to decide on whether we should send the partner any sort of condolence. Has his opinion of us been colored by the fact that we've ignored our uncle all these years? We don't know how to resolve this either.


Laura and others

RE: Quandary (MT...Loss in FOO) - nats - 04-21-2015

suggestion for what it's worth..: feel and explore your feelings, but keep your responses to others simple (e.g. 'thanks' for expressions of condolence is enough, 'I'm sorry for your loss' should be enough for the partner unless you were close).

life is complicated.

RE: Quandary (MT...Loss in FOO) - tweeter - 04-22-2015

Well, I totally agree with nats. Sensible and kind. Complicated, indeed.

Laura and others, don't take full responsibility for resolving. That's a two-way street with old lane lines. Sometimes they never get re-painted. Whatever works over time, even indifference.

So, yes, simplicity can make dealing with the unclear possible. It might seem like not dealing, but that's not really so. Resolution is not necessarily the immediate endpoint. Life isn't that comfortable.

Take good care of yourselves,

RE: Quandary (MT...Loss in FOO) - mosaic - 04-22-2015

agreeing with nats - simplicity in response to any messages of condolence etc.

it's pretty confusing to have conflicting feelings about it all for sure. hope you can work through understanding it in T.

RE: Quandary (MT...Loss in FOO) - MakersDozn - 04-22-2015

Thanks, everyone.

As to whether we'd send condolences to his partner....well, we're not sure. It's mostly societal expectation. It's what people do. They send condolences to the ones immediately affected.

I've never been one to value societal expectations; in fact, I tend to give these expectations the two-finger salute just to be contrary. But I'm not the only person living in this body, and most of the other folks tend to do what's "right."

We have T tonight. We'll see what she thinks. Ultimately it's our decision, but we want her input.

Laura and others

RE: Quandary (MT...Loss in FOO) - MakersDozn - 04-23-2015

Last night we had our first T session via Skype. It was kind of weird at first. We didn't want her to see a messy room (*eyeroll*). Of course, that kind of thing doesn't matter, but we cleaned up anyway.

Regarding the condolence issue...we talked about what was really important to our system collectively, what our options are, and which option we felt most comfortable with. We settled on the idea of sending a card via snail mail, something simple, like "I'm sorry for your loss." It's about his loss, not ours, because it's not a loss for us.

We weren't sure of his current address, so we emailed the cousin who sends the emails. He just sent us the information.

So, we can get this condolence business out of the way pretty soon. A minor annoyance, kind of like going for a dental checkup.

Laura and others

RE: Quandary (MT...Loss in FOO) - The People - 04-24-2015

Sounds like you are doing what you think is right for you. By getting it out of the way it won't haunt you. I found it easier not to go into celebratory mode when parents died. We had done a lot of work by that point although with the mother we hadn't acknowledged selves yet. All we coul say about it was that we were glad we didn't have to make choice about



afterlife. When we realized this it helped to put things in perspective.

With this man it does not sound like there was anything to mourn. IMO it is okay to say "sorry for your loss". You might not be sorry he is gone but you said you didn't relate to partner. So it is like saying something to a person you meet in passing. Babbling here. But it is okay to say few words but not get into details. And as far as what partner thinks of you, sounds like suppositions there. And you will never see that person again as it sounds like you won't go to the memorial. Interesting. I was watching Grey's Anatomy last week. And the narrator is talking about that. How we say "sorry for your loss" as it allows us to say something without getting sucked in.

RE: Quandary (MT...Loss in FOO) - MakersDozn - 04-25-2015

The People,

Agreed, and thanks. There was no funeral or memorial. Uncle's remains were cremated and scattered on the water somewhere (he and partner lived in the Miami area).

There's a chance we might see the partner if we go to gatherings of the extended FOO, which we almost never do. But we're not worried about that.