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Distancing From Feelings - MakersDozn - 02-12-2015

At another site, we posted the following in response to a forum message about one system member distancing himself from feelings. This system member had also been responsible for much of the system's schoolwork during childhood.

Rachel[...] could have written [his] post. It's actually a relief to us to see the similarities, because we've been at a standstill for at least a year in trying to further the part of our healing that is dependent on Rachel's involvement.

A number of us have the ability to empathically read the feelings of other system members, even if these feelings are not stated outright. We believe that Rachel cuts off her feelings (and cuts herself off from the rest of us and from the outside) to protect herself from being seen as vulnerable. She has at times said as much. She will protect herself in this way even if it means putting her own needs ahead of others.

It occurred to us just today that there may currently be some overlap between Rachel and Drew, who is another one of our bigs. Drew has been in seclusion for years by choice. Her reasons merit another discussion entirely, but suffice it to say that the fact that Rachel has been engaging in Drew-like withdrawal means that Rachel has probably regressed in her healing. Which of course means that more than ever, she needs to heal.

As an aside, Rachel was one of those who did much of our schoolwork. I was the other one. The difference was that I liked to learn, while Rachel's intent was to fulfill obligations and to satisfy people in authority. We never felt like we did the latter. Undecided

Mary and others

RE: Distancing From Feelings - The People - 02-14-2015

Just a comment on the standstill. Sometimes one needs a rest from all of this brain draining work. We used to get mad at 1 T we had and swear we were never coming back. Eventually we would. It wasn't until later that we recognized what had happened. We would go into H and sometimes it was because we were just too tired of looking after ourselves. Other things too. Spending a whole session not talking about much of anything.

This may not be your experience and for us it was frustrating at the time. Now we understand it.

RE: Distancing From Feelings - MakersDozn - 02-15-2015

We do experience standstills, and yes, they're frustrating. This is something more than that. It's definitely not a blending or prelude to blending, because there are differences between the two of them that preclude this.

The best possible outcome would be for the two of them to develop a closer relationship with each other, which we believe would not only benefit them both, but would benefit the system as a whole. Rachel has said more than once that she doesn't have the opportunity for what our T calls a "dyad" relationship, such as between Laura and Allegra, Charity and Mary, and a few other dyads that usually don't post here.

Right now, all we can do is be patient and see what happens.


RE: Distancing From Feelings - MakersDozn - 02-16-2015

Update: In response to our posting about this topic in another forum, someone mentioned that their system had a couple of the same names as ours.

Not to worry. We're not concerned by the fact that certain names are common enough for various systems to have them (or know someone with that name).

A number of folks in our system were named after relatives and friends. Some of these people are meaningful to us; others were simply there. Other system members were named after TV characters or actors.

Laura was named after Laura Ingalls Wilder, the author and main character in the "Little House" books that inspired the TV series "Little House on the Prairie." Rachel was named after the identical twins that played Laura's younger sister Carrie. (The twin actresses were Rachel Lindsay Dana Greenbush and Sydney Robin Rene Greenbush. Our Rachel is Rachel Robin.)

Our 10-year-old Hannah originally chose our maternal grandmother's first name as her middle name. This changed after our mother died 15 years ago. We always knew that our grandmother was emotionally abusive toward our mother, but it wasn't until then that we learned the extent. Hannah changed her middle name to Caroline, the name of the mother on "Little House on the Prairie."

There was also another sister named Mary on "Little House," but that's not why I chose the name. Charity kind of chose it for me because of its religious significance, but as it turns out, the reason isn't relevant to me. In any event, it's who I am, and I feel no need to change it. I chose the middle name Eleanor, after Eleanor Roosevelt.

There's a pattern here. Smile

Getting back to our Rachel....there's been no change in the status quo since we made the previous post. Meanwhile, Charity has been dealing with more difficult feelings, and we realize that part of her current struggle is compounded by the fact that we haven't had consistent T sessions during the past month. Our T was sick, and then her husband was sick again. He has had serious health issues during the past six months.

Our T says that we can always call her, but we're hesitant to impose. But we convinced Charity to call this evening, and it helped a little. We will have a T session on Wednesday evening as usual.

Mary and others

RE: Distancing From Feelings - MakersDozn - 02-17-2015

Charity is not doing well today. (We are safe.) We stayed home with a cold, and Charity used the situation as she often does, to stay in bed all day. I tried to help by listening to her and talking with her, but I think that in a way, I've made things worse. I'm not very good at "tough love." :|

It was finally Laura who got us out of bed a little while ago. "I can't stand this," she said. She pointed out that even though she's the most assertive, it's still my responsibility as an adult to take charge when Charity gets like this.

Now we know at least one thing that we'll be talking to our T about tomorrow evening.