Grieving a Lost Childhood

[orek]

"It's hard for us to accept on an emotional level that this can happen in a situation other than the mother-child relationship, but we're trying to be open to it."

I get that. I guess what I was trying to say without saying it--because it can be misconstrued, and because some Ts do misappropriate the dynamic and inappropriately cross boundaries (as I've experienced in prior therapy incarnations)--is that the T relationship can create a sort of "reparenting" environment. Not if the T actually tries to step in and be a parent--out of whatever unmet need in the T herself. Not if the we expect that the T will fill that void and become that parent, though we can't help but yearn for that. But the therapy space is unique in that it is protected by clearly delineated boundaries and charged with the specific task of healing the patient, both of which work to create a safe, caring, very intimate environment that re-creates the parent/child dynamic: the patient's needs take precedence, the T provides nurturing and modeling, and some of the patient's vital primal urges get a second chance as she is seen, accepted, validated, and emotionally held in her most vulnerable states by a powerful authority figure.

It's an amazing grace and a testament to the mind's ability to adapt and heal, really. But there has to be a good, healthy connection with a skilled T. That's not easy to afford or find, sadly. And even then, there isn't always the luxury of the long years often required to develop the trust and safety needed for that kind of deep healing. But when you have it, it can be surprisingly effective and satisfying. And every T/client relationship will vary in how the healing goes, even while equally effective. I'm just trying to put into words how we've experienced this issue with our current T of seven years. It's not the same as having the mother we need and have always craved to the core, but we're pleasantly surprised at how much the relationship with her is retraining us and touching on those primal cravings, all without the intrusion of bad boundaries or enmeshment, which is what we're used to in "mothers."

I doubt any of this helps. I know you've seen your T for many years, too. Obviously it isn't hitting your mother needs in the same way, and for that I'm truly sorry. I just hope my rambling thoughts on our own experience maybe touches on something for you.