Part of a NYC day

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(08-25-2012, 08:32 PM)MakersDozn Wrote: Cool post. Makes us feel like we were there, which we easily could have been.

Sorry we've been away the last couple of times you called. Work is still busy, and we're often away from our desk.

Your fellow Noo Yawkuhs
(Laura, Allegra, and a bunch-o-teens and middles)

Wonderful! Exactly what I wanted to do -- give a sense of immediacy of my NY experience to others.

Hey, I know. If I need a call back, I let you know. Other times, it's often wanting to touch base and hear a sincerely friendly greeting, even if its recorded. Not that I don't welcome talking to you.

It was some week, some day, in fact. The above was just late afternoon and evening. I used an icon of caution and wish I could have included a blue flower too. So, I'm doing so now.


Earlier, I had passed by the street where my f*th*r's manufacturing office had been, a small part of a very old building that housed other small businesses. Well, the whole corner of that block is gone and will be rebuilt into something. I had no great love for the building, but it was where my parents dumped my toys into drawers after I had outgrown them. His place was full of dust and chemicals that were part of fine jewelry manufacturing. I remembered seeing and reluctantly leaving the stuff when I was there a long time ago. Now I think it might have been nice to rescue some pieces and clean them up to keep. So, it made me sad when I saw the building was gone, though the business hasn't been there for years. I was crying over lost toys.

After that surprise, I went to the Chinese doctor. I had been confused by their website and thought he was a different kind of Chinese doctor. A real M.D. from a hosp. in Shanghai, also trained in the old ways. Nope. I feel that having my Medicaid card with me prevented a financial situation I didn't need; he wasn't right for me, and admitted it. I handled it quite well, but was disappointed, though not surprised that day. Sometimes I just know, especially if I don't rush the processing. Their liniment is good though.


It's a strange experience living here. I didn't come back the same way I left. New Mexico had a strong effect in a lot of ways, good ones.

Now I'm dealing with how and why I've not succeeded in life, driven by a major failure that I've shared here. In fact, after a six-month hiatus, I wrote to trainman about that this week.
With all the emotional mining, I was able to organize the pieces I knew were there. But, it's starting to go further than that, right to a negative introject I knew existed, but not like this, to its original intent and form, unfiltered. I knew it was my m*th*r years ago.
In writing to trainman, I verbalized something that I had known emotionally on some level. I wrote it twice in that letter and it shook me up. This is all I'll say about it for now.

A big change in me, something nice, is that my loving someone has become balanced with my really needing to be loved in return at least to the same degree. I don't know why I considered this so much less important in the past, but I did.


I'm thinking of going back to my original Kung Fu teacher in NYC. When I was getting to know myself as a defender, I trusted in him to take over if something went wrong with me. It never did, because my character is okay.
This something else that is messing with me, left from a terrible parent. And I don't want it. I can get what I need from this moving meditation (using what I have learned), in the right place.

This teacher...... I don't have the innocent trust I had in 1990, and it was disappointing to me when he wouldn't help me to recover in 2007. But, when I asked if I were welcome to return to the school some time, he said "Yes." I think that this might be the right thing to do now, once a week. I'll let the teacher tell me when he wants me there, if at all. I thought of it today. Will let it settle, and then drop a short email to see what he says.


All of this because I want to be happy. If trainman continues to shun me, I at least want to be happy in myself, and to be a better friend.
I hope health would improve. Will go to a hosp. clinic that takes Medicaid and get some tests I need; I still won't take the meds for those ills because they're as bad as the maladies for me, and for many other people. It would be unbearable within a week, and no recovery from that. No point.

Let's see what happens,
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