thoughts on children...
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Dreamscapes Collectives Offline
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Caution  thoughts on children...
the discussion about trying to decide if having kids is a good idea and part of MDs response has given us a lot to think about and we thought we would share some of our own thoughts...


(08-11-2012, 09:05 PM)MakersDozn Wrote: Hi Sara,

This is our experience....not meant to discourage you or anyone else who wants kids. It's about being true to what's right for us.

When we were in the fourth grade, someone(s) on the inside decided we didn't want kids of our own. Of course, we didn't know we were multi then, but we were very certain that taking care of ourselves was a full-time job, and that we didn't have the energy to give to a child or the desire to risk perpetuatiing the cycle. Likewise, we choose not to have a relationship, but that's for another topic.

Our thoughts are with you as you consider what's best for your situation.

MDs

This is a viewpoint I can certainly respect. After all you know yourselves better than anyone and if children are not in the cards for you then they aren't. I know some people who think it's weird for a *woman* to not want kids. I think that if you've thought it through and that's how you want it, that's more important than just proving you are a breeder.

For us, we went back and forth about wanting kids from the time we were about 15 until we got pregnant at 19. And it wasn't a planned pregnancy. None of my three were. And we have to be frank, we were pretty f*ck*d up when we got pregnant. But it was one of the things that kept us here and trying to find out what was "wrong" with us. They were ultimately the reason we decided we couldn't keep playing with the suicide card.

I wouldn't say we got pregnant on purpose to prove anything. It happened and we learned to deal with it.

Everyone has different needs and wants. It's like the crap I got dumped on me by other survivors' because I let my ex have the children rather than fighting tooth and nail to have custody. But we were more concerned with not upsetting our kids anymore than they were going through dealing with the divorce. we knew we couldn't provide for them the way our ex could. and that, even though the marriage relationship hadn't worked out, he was a damn good dad. and we knew that our periods of "crazy" were seeming to get more frequent at the time. we didn't think it was fair to the children to try and uproot their whole world just because I was a mother and moms were supposed to take the kids.

Talking to our kids now, they understand more about why we didn't keep them, and why we were so often in a space where we couldn't deal with them.

My daughter is very frank. She's 17. She tells me I should stop being obsessive about whether I was a good mom because she and her brothers' all thought we had been a good mom, especially with everything we've dealt with. She still likes to hang out with me, is still openly affectionate with us, even in public. She doesn't care what people *out there* think. She tells people she has three moms. Me, my partner and my ex's girlfriend. She adores my partner and she is mostly secure in her sexuality (she says that she's bi, but with more lesbian tendencies) and the only people in her life who don't know are her grandparents and aunts on both sides (who are the kind of Christian who believes everyone who's gay is going to hell.) everyone else is very supportive of her, even her brothers. and we are glad as hell that she feels secure enough with us and her father not to feel she needs to hide completely.

so even though all three of our pregnancies were unplanned, we don't regret any of them. Our daughter even knows that we considered having an abortion when we were pregnant with her and can have a regular conversation about it rather than getting emotional and dramatic (which she does WELL) and accusing us of not wanting her. She says she's never thought that. But that we CAN talk about things like that are pretty indicative of the kind of open relationship we have with our children.

I should copy this and save it so next time we get into one of those places where we feel that we sucked as a mom so we can show ourselves that we weren't a sucky, f*ck*d up mom. We were, and sometimes still are, pretty f*ck*d up. But somehow we've managed to raise three intelligent children who know that they can be who they are without fear at least with us and their dad and both our partners.

realms people
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08-12-2012, 07:36 AM
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MakersDozn Offline
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#2
Friendship/Support  RE: thoughts on children...
But somehow we've managed to raise three intelligent children who know that they can be who they are without fear at least with us and their dad and both our partners.

That about sums it up. And the whole post is a great one. Thanks for continuing the discussion.

MDs
08-12-2012, 03:48 PM
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Dreamscapes Collectives Offline
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Just talking  RE: thoughts on children...
(08-12-2012, 03:48 PM)MakersDozn Wrote: But somehow we've managed to raise three intelligent children who know that they can be who they are without fear at least with us and their dad and both our partners.

That about sums it up. And the whole post is a great one. Thanks for continuing the discussion.

MDs

thanks MDs. Most days we can remember that. They're cool kids. And while I admit I am biased, I've had other people say the same about them. They aren't my whole world, but they are the greater part of it. For all of us.

realms people
Volcano
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08-15-2012, 10:57 AM
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nats Offline
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#4
RE: thoughts on children...
(08-12-2012, 07:36 AM)Dreamscapes Collectives Wrote: ..And we have to be frank, we were pretty f*ck*d up when we got pregnant. But it was one of the things that kept us here and trying to find out what was "wrong" with us. They were ultimately the reason we decided we couldn't keep playing with the suicide card.

yes, exactly.
Blush Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain - E. Walsh Smile
08-24-2012, 04:00 PM
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