New host

[Cammy]

Since my main perpetrator died I've been changing. For one thing, after a lifetime of wearing black, some color is creeping into my wardrobe. I never could wear color before. I would try and it would feel so awful and alien that I would have to change into something black before leaving the house. It may seem like a minor thing, but for me this is a major development.

I also for the first time had house guests. A year ago this would never have been possible for me. Now, even though a bit stressful, I didn't totally lose my entire mind, and this too is a major change.

I am hoping that this new host feels more free than any of my previous incarnations even though I do revert when stressed. I think too that my new host does not put up with other people's abuse as easily as previous. I go toe to toe with anyone being abusive to me now, and this is very new.

It is amazing me how the death of a perpetrator has this freeing effect. Still, the depression and anxiety still exist and I am dealing with it via a T and a P. Unfortunate, but I will never be free from a lifetime of being abused and used. Some things are indelible. I told my P that I don't expect to ever be free of depression, since it has been with me since I was 3 years old and he agreed. We both agreed that fighting it was a waste of energy, so accepting what I am and just dealing with the symptoms when they get bad is the best I can hope for. It is my reality and I accept it,and in that acceptance comes a sort of relief.

For me, the process of morphing into this new host personality has taken about 9 months, and I expect the whole fine tuning thing will be at the 12 month point. What a roller coaster ride this has been.