A bad habit

[The People]

I was the kid in the family who was trained to be the helper. My mother's subtle brainwashing made me believe that I was the one who needed to step forward when people needed help. Especially financial.

Now here I am heading to 60. I am living on a shoe string and yet I still feel the need to hand out to others. Tonight I went out and bought gifts for a senior, something that is being run by one of the pharmacies. good on both sides. helps them make money and helps the seniors who have little or nothing.

but I am a few years short of one of those seniors. I know that I do it because I always feel guilty if I don't help. And part of me feels like I will create a person to be there for me if I reach that unfortunate stage. I do exchange gifts with friends but they have dropped in number which makes the littles feel bad. we always buy ourselves a gift but with high co-consciousness the littles don't enjoy that very much. And when we don't get presents it is like us being told that nobody cares. we know that isn't true but it is hard. It isn't about the gift. it is about what it means. or rather, what not receiving means. so we spent too much money on people we don't even know because we don't want anyone else to feel that way.

but we cannot afford to save the world.