just life
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mosaic Offline
just another one of us
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#1
just life
still going to school. this semester i have two classes and supervise three master's level students. the supervision piece is really scary. i still wonder if i know what i'm doing, and now i'm supposed to help someone else figure out what they're doing. it's very daunting.

our daughter and her family had some major difficulties, and have moved in with us. so now instead of just us and hubby, we've got five other people living in our house. it's not as noisy as i thought it might be (the grandkids are not wee toddlers) but it is still a challenge to find quiet time to do homework. still i'm glad we have room for them so we can help them out.

we took a trip over last weekend to visit our oldest son and his family. it was a nice visit. we did something called the "exit room"... where you have to solve clues to figure out how to get out of the room. it was very interesting. 11 year old granddaughter loves the activity. then we went to the kansas city renaissance fair and it was also lots of fun.

on our way home we stopped by second son's house to see them. i got to hold grandbaby #9 who is only a few weeks old. that was the best. i must have held him for about 3 hours.

school feels overwhelming still... each semester has a different challenge that feels like it is not surmountable. but i manage so i keep telling myself that i passed the classes the previous semester i can do it this semester.

in one class i have to do a genogram. anybody every done one?
09-07-2016, 02:28 PM
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tweeter Offline
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#2
RE: just life
Hi,
Your life sounds challenging, and also very good.  I do wish you and yours well.

I had never heard of a genogram and looked it up.  It's fascinating and challenging.  Just reading the definition illuminated what had felt like a black hole in my life, in me.  Structure that people take for granted, but shouldn't.
I had been thinking of family lately.  Contact was spotty, and most that I knew are passed.  Small family.  When I thought of them, there was the hole.  A lack of full emotional contact, and some abuse, the combination of which had led to confusion in me as to how to respond to people in general, how to keep myself safe but not isolated.  
In terms of my mother, I had been dealing with insanity, the nature of which I've never been able to figure, 'cept for the narcissism and v**l*nc*.  There was a lot there.  Many months ago.  I had re-introduced myself to the concept of a negative introject.  That is the legacy mother left to me.  This sort of thing intertwines with the self and, imo, resides in that "space" in the unconscious which can make itself known very fast.  It can give rise to what I call "behavioral reflexes."  These can be slowed down, and in that way controlled.  But, the amount of control depends on the situation.  It's one of the worst kinds of regret to feel.

It has occurred to me that at least in my experience with this almost out-of-control relative, that I never really knew her.  I know she suffered emotional pain, but I didn't know why, where it began for her.  Of course, there is a limit to how well we can know anyone, even ourselves.  For me, that includes a strong belief in the possibility of other lifetimes.  There is something to be said for karma, as an aside, but I've never believed in the tit for tat version.  I don't think that's how it works.  Structure is too Newtonian for me (I think that's the correct reference point).  But, I digress.  I think that without knowing the nature (which includes why or how he/she reacted to an early abuser, whose influence left a stain, a negative introject.  I see the NI as an interaction between an adult problem and the plasticity of very early childhood for me;  if pushed, I can't just refuse to act poorly.  Not reliably.  I have to Relearn as if I were a child at heart.  That is what I'm working on.  I've done it by regressing myself using my own nature, and a lovely model of childhood joy (which I never had) that I learned from a young neighbor, from just one of her behaviors.  The one that made me so happy, because it had been in me all along and I didn't know it.  I internalized it naturally, and one day, it appeared and I understood the place of joy in my life, how I show it.  I also understood that mother never wanted me to be happy.  Maybe she had no will for happiness for herself.  I never saw it.
I had been thinking of these things and working on them in different ways for the better part of 4 years.  When I looked up genogram, a light bulb lit.  I had been isolated and mistreated.  Never learned how to connect.  I'm learning.  Sometimes it's not fun at all.  Now I know what fun is for me:  to connect and share what is appropriate in given situations.  I can be naturally standoffish.  That's fine.  I found some informal settings that work.  It is still hard for me, but at least I know why and try to make up for it when I should.  Defensive hostility on an emotional basis is no longer an option.  Anyhow, let's see if any of this makes sense here in coming days.  Words can get in the way.

For those who don't know me, I'm a sensitive monomind who respects both differences and similarities.  I spent a lot of time here and at an earlier website, Divided Hearts.  There was someone in my life who was a multiple, and I needed help with that.  In turn, I gave what I could.  My time has grown limited, but I'm around.

Nice to talk with you again, Mosaic.
tweets

 
   
"Even the very emptiest of the emptiest
Has a false bottom, a false bottom."
09-09-2016, 03:18 PM
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The People Offline
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#3
RE: just life
Hey Tweets!

KA
I Am My Only Chance For A Hero!
09-11-2016, 12:05 AM
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The People Offline
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#4
RE: just life
Mosaic what if you made a list of what helped you at that stage, what didn't help and what would have helped. Then perhaps have students make lists of what they think they need, revisiting it regularly so they can make changes or add to their lists as they go. And you, yours.

I can identify what helped me most when I took classes as an adult. Having an instructor who knew that I was scared and helped me talk myself through it rather than dropping out.

While you don't have to share everything with the class you could share a bit of your own fears. Let them know you are human and humane.
I Am My Only Chance For A Hero!
09-11-2016, 12:10 AM
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tweeter Offline
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#5
Friendship/Support  RE: just life
Greetings KA!

Gosh, it's been a while.  I left one sentence hanging in the air, cause I got stuck in an unanswerable question or two. 
Nice to be welcomed.

Tweets
"Even the very emptiest of the emptiest
Has a false bottom, a false bottom."
09-12-2016, 02:45 AM
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tweeter Offline
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#6
RE: just life
(09-11-2016, 12:10 AM)The People Wrote: Mosaic what if you made a list of what helped you at that stage, what didn't help and what would have helped. Then perhaps have students make lists of what they think they need, revisiting it regularly so they can make changes or add to their lists as they go. And you,  yours.

I can identify what helped me most when I took classes as an adult. Having an instructor who knew that I was scared and helped me talk myself through it rather than dropping out.

While you don't have to share everything with the class you could share a bit of your own fears. Let them know you are human and humane.



Hi,
While reading your suggestions, I envisioned individualized, expandable toolboxes: learning tools; teaching tools.  In the form of questions and lists.   Makes fundamental sense.

tweets
"Even the very emptiest of the emptiest
Has a false bottom, a false bottom."
09-12-2016, 02:58 AM
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nats Offline
here and there..
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#7
RE: just life
so good to see you tweeter!
Blush Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain - E. Walsh Smile
09-12-2016, 04:00 AM
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tweeter Offline
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#8
Friendship/Support  RE: just life
(09-12-2016, 04:00 AM)nats Wrote: so good to see you tweeter!

Hi nats!  Same in return.  
one of those days,  when no obvious course of action has certainty.  Hard to find where the rules and terms are.  Par for the course in this world.
tweeter

Sno1
"Even the very emptiest of the emptiest
Has a false bottom, a false bottom."
09-12-2016, 04:05 PM
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