Semantics

[orek]

"We don't know the extremity of our history b/c we don't remember any of it, good or bad, but we can piece together a certain amount. for years we thought it must be very extreme b/c we couldn't remember. however, based on what we pieced together it makes more sense that the very early start affected memory and response patterns perhaps in a somewhat similar way to someone who had later more extreme abuse. it's guesswork, admittedly."

Nats, I could have written that! Still trying to piece our history together, and though we have definite pieces of the puzzle fitting together finally after our work with our last T, we still don't "remember" our history and have yet to know for sure the extent and degree and duration of it all. (The only specific incident of abuse I'm absolutely confident happened without the hemming/hawing doubts is one that occurred (probably repeatedly) in infancy--because a baby showed up in therapy and showed us and T what happened. No way I could have made that up or even begun to "dramatize" such a thing even if I had wanted to, which of course I didn't and wouldn't.) Have very spotty and/or blank memory before HS, and even then the first two years are very sparse, surreal, and disjointed. Only starting junior year do I feel I have any sense of a somewhat cohesive memory and narrative, albeit with the limitations of a more "normal" bad memory. I, too, have questioned whether this and the poly-fracturing was due to severity of abuse, but like you also wonder if isn't simply due to its extremely early onset. And of course, both can occur.

It so helps to have others who can read and understand and even reflect our own experiences. I don't feel nearly so crazy! I'm grateful for you all.