How does one keep believing

[MakersDozn]

***Chr references, particularly RC.***

The People,

I wish I knew.

For many years I was a strong Chr; in fact, I tried to lead the Chrs of our system by example. I was the one who spearheaded our becoming RC in 1989, although a number of others inside were against it but deferred to me because I wanted it so much.

[Note to others: We were raised in a non-religious Jewish home.--Allegra]

The other Chrs in our system (20 or 21 of them--I can't remember) consider themselves non-denominational and base their beliefs on Scripture. Their relationship with God is personal. Mine never has been. I was drawn to RC in particular because of the r*t**ls more than anything else. Looking back, my "faith" was based on mythos, and my relationship with God was nonexistent, a peripheral consideration that I chose to ignore.

During the past five years or so, for better or for worse, I have come much closer to understanding who I really am, as opposed to the ideal "me" that I created in my mind as a form of self-protection. The "me" that I created was in some ways modeled on the Virgin Mary--kind, meek, nurturing, perfect.

But as we've moved forward in our healing, I've had to face the fact that I am not like this and never will be. I am fearful and anxious and needy; I am terrible at dealing with anger, be it others' anger or my own; I have made some terrible decisions during our life that have cost us dearly, and I have behaved inappropriately toward members of our own system. I find it hard enough to forgive myself; what kind of God would forgive me?

I am also a lesbian. No one else in our system is homosexual, with the possible exception of Aurora13, and she has served mainly as a conduit for my excessive sadness, so I suspect that she may have taken this on for the same reason. I find it hard to believe in a masculine God who sent a masculine prophet. The Judeo-Chr tradition states that God is ultimately neither male or female, but the fact is that we live in a patriarchal society that defaults to male pronouns, and this bothers me.

I've rambled. I needed to say these things. I hope people here understand.

Take care,

Charity