New T age issue

[orek]

Hi, all--My T of 9 years just retired end of August, and I started seeing a new one (a few times now). It took months of calling/researching to find a female one who works with DID/PTSD and is taking new clients, as well as my insurance. (Finally had to go with a single-case agreement, but that's a different story.) The new one is 45, and "I" am 52. Really struggling with that and not totally understanding why. I realize that's what happens when you continue to go to therapy throughout your adulthood--you get older and the Ts get younger. She seems quite capable and knows her stuff, plus she works a lot with the neuro-biology of trauma and how the body stores memories, etc., which I wanted in my next T. And she's older than most insiders, but still....

Has anyone else worked with a T younger than the body age? Has that been an issue, not on the T's end but yours? If so, did you resolve it? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. We already feel we're hovering over an abyss, lost without our former doc but not attached to this new one (if we even can).

[Tangled Web]

Hi Orek.
We have seen someone younger than us before 2 T's to be exact and I must admit it was hard. One of them didn't work out but we stuck with other one for awhile. For us the age thing was in problem in the sense of us measuring her experience through her age. If she was younger then how could she possibly know or even understand. (Those were our thoughts) It was hard to respect her opinions and trust them. But she did prove to us that she knew what she was talking about at the time. It will be small steps.........For us I guess it is easier for us to respect older people. Guess that has to do with our training from childhood. Hope you can give her a chance.
TW

[orek]

(09-07-2014, 11:37 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: Hi Orek.
We have seen someone younger than us before 2 T's to be exact and I must admit it was hard. One of them didn't work out but we stuck with other one for awhile. For us the age thing was in problem in the sense of us measuring her experience through her age. If she was younger then how could she possibly know or even understand. (Those were our thoughts) It was hard to respect her opinions and trust them. But she did prove to us that she knew what she was talking about at the time. It will be small steps.........For us I guess it is easier for us to respect older people. Guess that has to do with our training from childhood. Hope you can give her a chance.
TW

Yes, I guess it's hard to trust and even see her authority when she's younger--even though she's not young, per se, and is also middle-aged. Her experience and credentials are impressive, and when she consulted with my former T on the phone, my former T felt reassured that she knew her stuff and was committed to my healing. No red ("or even pink") flags went up.

I guess I will also find it hard to get out of the way and let the kids out. It was hard enough with my former T, and I'll feel even sillier with someone younger than I. Oh well. I will give her a chance. Her style is very different from our old doc, and that might help us not compare and just open up to a different kind of therapy experience and relationship. I just hope she really can hold the therapy space safely and securely, and that we can trust her to do so, the way our former T was able to do. Dang, we miss her!!!

Thanks for your reply.

[MakersDozn]

Some of our past Ts have been younger. We prefer ours to be older. But that's just us.

MDs

[nats]

the reality is, as we get older more and more of our service providers are going to be younger agree it's awkward, but it's also how life is if we do a good job and stay alive.

[MakersDozn]

True not only of Ts but of people in general. It's especially weird for us as a multi system whose members are all much younger than our body.

First, like singletons, we have to deal with the fact that as our body ages, there's an increase in the proportion of outside people who are younger than our body is. Then factor in our self-concept of being younger than our biological age. We know that we've been around for X years, but we don't see ourselves as being that old.

At times we may identify with outside people whose body age is similar to our inside age. So, in effect, we're "neither here nor there"--not simply aging the way a singleton does, but no longer as young as we see ourselves. It just adds to our feelings of isolation.

MDs

[The People]

I recommend that you give it some time. We had Ts almost 20 years younger than we are and they worked out fine. It is actually easier for the littles to relate to them. I am the opposite of you in that I don't think I would be comfortable with someone older. Focus on her style and skills rather than her age is my suggestion. Do you like her? What is it about her age that threatens you? It is her commitment that is an issue.

[orek]

(09-14-2014, 07:58 PM)The People Wrote: I recommend that you give it some time. We had Ts almost 20 years younger than we are and they worked out fine. It is actually easier for the littles to relate to them. I am the opposite of you in that I don't think I would be comfortable with someone older. Focus on her style and skills rather than her age is my suggestion. Do you like her? What is it about her age that threatens you? It is her commitment that is an issue.

Thanks, all, for the feedback. It helps just to "get it out there."

The People, I'm glad to read that it has worked for you to have much younger Ts and is even preferable to you. I definitely will give it time. I'm not entirely sure why I have an issue with it at all. The closest I can get is that it feels to me as if it goes against the "natural order" of things where the older mentors the younger. For example, I look up to one of my brothers who's only 3 years older, and he's protective of me as his younger sister--even though as adults 3 years is virtually no difference at all. I'm 7 years older than this T, and somehow I feel "silly"--for the lack of a better word--being so vulnerable in front of her.

Also, I know a lot of my transference work is that lifelong hunt for that "good" mother who sees and cares. That transference worked well for us with the last T and helped heal, or start to heal, some deep wounds. It was very "corrective"--within the proper boundaries of the therapy relationship, of course. So maybe I won't need to experience that with this new T. Or, since she's older than the kids, teens, and younger adults, then she can maybe provide that healing transference for them. I don't know.

Again, I haven't quite figured it out yet. I keep trying to put my finger on it so that I can understand the struggle more clearly and still haven't succeeded. It does sound from some of the replies as if we're not alone in that, but as nats says, we are getting older and the care providers getting younger. All the Ts I contacted who were older didn't pan out for one reason or another--didn't take my insurance, not taking new clients, etc. So I'll need to come to terms with this one way or another. She is good with kids and has a long history of working with external kids and teens, so that's a big plus. She works with neurological/body stuff, how trauma is held and stored, and that's something I wanted in my next T. So I do need to give it a try.

Sorry this is so long, and thanks for reading and for your replies.--orek

[MakersDozn]

(09-16-2014, 12:46 AM)orek Wrote: The closest I can get is that it feels to me as if it goes against the "natural order" of things where the older mentors the younger.

Yep, our more traditionalist types in here (a significant percentage) really identify with this. We could do a whole thread on how society's devaluation of the "natural order" (respecting elders, seniority, etc.) has gone the way of the manual typewriter and the mimeograph machine. Doesn't sit well with us.

MDs

[angel with wings]

now your showing your age. its as bad as the wringer washer or a rotary phone. are we old or what?
glad I got littles to keep me feeling young.

[orek]

(09-17-2014, 12:34 AM)MakersDozn Wrote:

(09-16-2014, 12:46 AM)orek Wrote: The closest I can get is that it feels to me as if it goes against the "natural order" of things where the older mentors the younger.

Yep, our more traditionalist types in here (a significant percentage) really identify with this. We could do a whole thread on how society's devaluation of the "natural order" (respecting elders, seniority, etc.) has gone the way of the manual typewriter and the mimeograph machine. Doesn't sit well with us.

MDs

Yeah, but does that extend to not being able to accept the authority/help of a younger (but also middle-aged, in this case) professional, in particular as pertains to deep intimacy healing issues?

[MakersDozn]

(09-17-2014, 02:01 PM)orek Wrote: Yeah, but does that extend to not being able to accept the authority/help of a younger (but also middle-aged, in this case) professional, in particular as pertains to deep intimacy healing issues?

Good question. Essentially it comes out to accepting help from someone who's relatively close in age, but still younger. Our bigs, who are in their early 20s, have a hard time accepting help and advice from our older teens. It's hard to strike a balance between comfort level and the practicality of accepting good advice.

MDs