Better late than never? (first post)
Author Message
57thomas Offline
Member
*****

Posts: 11
Threads: 3
Joined: Aug 2014
#1
Agree to disagree  Better late than never? (first post)
This is my first post here. I'm in my 50s, and am just starting to realize and deal with this. I've spent most of my life trying to fit in and NOT let anyone know how weird I am inside. I've always avoided even the subject of psychology, terrified of where it might lead. I only started looking at my childhood (which I always just considered to be in the distant past and better forgotten) last winter, and started realizing that how screwed up I was might be because of how bad that was. I guess before that I always thought it was the other way around. I entered therapy last spring for PTSD, and my T started talking about dissociation, but never suggested DID. I only started looking at that (let myself look at that?) about 5 weeks ago (after starting EMDR), and the framework of DID made everything make sense. When I showed my T my journal about what I had been thinking about, and the conclusions I came to, I was really hoping she would say "don't worry, it's just your imagination, you don't have DID", but instead she just seemed like she was relieved I finally saw it, and that was the source of my memory problems that we had been focusing on. She got me a referral with a psychiatrist on the 2nd to get something more concrete, a lot of the time I'm still trying to convince myself it isn't real. But the evidence grows daily as I pay more attention to what is happening, and remember the things that other people have said to me over the years.

I guess I've always been a world-class space-case. I learned early that I could "disappear", or "change scenes" or "skip forward", when things got bad, and got really good at it. I never realized that part of me was still there having to deal with whatever I couldn't. Now I just feel like a coward.

This is all still really new to me. I can't tell you "who" is in there, I can't call them up. I talk to myself hoping someone is listening, but I don't have a clue if they are or not. The switching just happens, and I don't know if I'm causing it, or they are, or something else in me is.

As a kid I used to explain suddenly finding myself in a different situation by telling myself I was a space alien (since I wasn't like anyone else), or time traveler. Later on I realized that if that was true other people would react differently to my sudden appearance, so it must just be my memory was fritzing out, from time to time. And when stressed it happens a lot, and I can't even keep track of what is going on. I'll be talking to someone about X, then my mind drifts for a second, or I have a brief sharp headache, and then when I continue talking about X, they look at me funny and ask "What???" When I fill it in with context about X, they say "but now we are talking about Z. If I say "Oh, I didn't catch that, they say, "yes you did, you had some good ideas about Z", but I have no memory of it. So I've learned to just keep my mouth shut a lot of the time. Better to be thought a fool for being silent, than to speak out and remove all doubt.

I've also always had "facts" in my head, with no logical explaination for them. I "know" I did something in the past, but have NO memory of being there, or doing it, yet I know it's true. And those "facts" always end up being true, so I just trust them. But if someone asks me about them, it's like I read it in a newspaper or something, I wasn't there. And so much of the time I don't even have those facts. I thank my partner for mowing the lawn that I had been meaning to get around to but hadn't yet, and he tells me he didn't do it, he just got home, etc.

And then there's people coming up to me thinking I'm someone named Bob. "Hey Bob, how ya' doing?" "Um, I'm not Bob, sorry." "Quit clowning around, Bob, I know that's you. You're wearing that same shirt you were last week". I used to think I had a doppelganger named Bob, and really hoped he didn't rob a bank or something, or I might get blamed for it. I guess I've gotten really good at hiding the obvious from myself, lol.

When I realized Bob might be an "alter" I knew nothing about, it scared the crap out of me for awhile, but then I realized I didn't have any reason to think Bob was a bad guy, if anything he seemed to keep company with a better class of people than I did.

So, I don't even know where to go with this. I went to a NAMI Connections support group last week, hoping I might meet someone else with this, just someone I could talk to who knew what this feels like on the inside, what I'm going through. My T is great, but it's still second-hand to her. And yes, I did meet someone there - someone who's actually got it all together and is even working on his Phd in Psychology. He told me about a Peer-to-Peer group they have, and I've signed up with that. Other than my T, he's the only other person I've ever talked to about this stuff - not even my partner of 23 years, and I don't have a clue how I could ever do that. I've spent my whole life trying to appear as normal as I could, the thought of being treated like sort of freak-show is more than I can handle. And yes I'm dealing with more depression and anxiety now than I can remember in a long time. But I am in a hypno-therapy group for anxiety and that is helping a lot, even though I've only had two sessions so far.

I'm sorry if I violated any of the rules about what to talk about, I hope I didn't trigger anybody with this post.
08-24-2014, 03:01 PM
Find Reply
Tangled Web Offline
Senior Member
*****

Posts: 1,154
Threads: 168
Joined: Feb 2012
#2
RE: Better late than never? (first post)
Welcome to MM. We are glad you posted. This place is a great place to find support Smile

I liked your post. You touched on things that are very similar in my life. I live on a fact based history also and it is exactly like reading a newspaper only it is full of headlines and the stories under those headlines are missing. That is how I describe things.
I look forward to seeing you on the boards.
TW
"You may not remember what someone says or does, but you will never forget how they made you feel" Mac Anderson.
08-24-2014, 04:24 PM
Find Reply
MakersDozn Offline
MM Oldtimer
*****

Posts: 1,951
Threads: 186
Joined: Mar 2012
#3
Friendship/Support  RE: Better late than never? (first post)
Welcome, 57thomas. We're glad you're here. And we applaud your decision to seek support.

As Tangled Web said, this community is a very supportive place. People here understand the kinds of things you describe; in one way or another, we live through the same kinds of things.

We look forward to seeing you on the boards.

MDs
08-24-2014, 07:38 PM
Website Find Reply
57thomas Offline
Member
*****

Posts: 11
Threads: 3
Joined: Aug 2014
#4
Feedback  RE: Better late than never? (first post)
That's how it is for me, just some bare facts (like headlines), no details. If someone asks me if I've been someplace, I might think, yes I've been there twice, so I answer "yes". Then when they ask if I liked it, I have to fudge, and think well if I was there twice I must have liked it. If they want more, I change the subject. I've gotten really good at that, too.

(08-24-2014, 04:24 PM)Tangled Web Wrote: I live on a fact based history also and it is exactly like reading a newspaper only it is full of headlines and the stories under those headlines are missing.
08-24-2014, 10:05 PM
Find Reply
nats Offline
here and there..
*****

Posts: 1,552
Threads: 85
Joined: Dec 2011
#5
RE: Better late than never? (first post)
(08-24-2014, 03:01 PM)57thomas Wrote: Better to be thought a fool for being silent, than to speak out and remove all doubt...

Love that quote!

welcome to MM. we smile and nod when people talk about things we've done or said. sometimes we remember them. sometimes we don't. we read A LOT. we remember if we've read a book and if we liked it, but rarely anything else. could never join a book club...
Blush Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain - E. Walsh Smile
08-25-2014, 08:50 AM
Find Reply
angel with wings Offline
Senior Member
*****

Posts: 159
Threads: 34
Joined: Jul 2014
#6
RE: Better late than never? (first post)
hi and welcome. can relate to you too. I lose a lot of memory and rely on family to fill in the blanks. I lost a lot of time and cant remember half my life, except photos to prove it. I have a lot of half stories that I cant remember the other parts. family tells me about events I was never at. (but I was, according to them). I often substitute a photo as my memory. I only remember it because I saw a photo of it. I switch in conversations too and i
have no idea what was said. again I rely on someone else to tell me what I missed.
I have told a few trusted people, the overall experience has been good. but I did have those few who backed away some, and those few who talk down to me like I no longer understand. I hate that. im not stupid, just absent sometimes. I am very careful who I trust with this info.

so welcome, you are among friends who understand.
I'm beautifully broken, perfectly imperfect, beautiful in my flaws, altogether I am a beautiful disaster.
(This post was last modified: 08-25-2014, 02:36 PM by angel with wings.)
08-25-2014, 02:34 PM
Find Reply
The People Offline
Long Time Member Who grew Up Here
*****

Posts: 2,044
Threads: 716
Joined: Jun 2012
#7
RE: Better late than never? (first post)
Good job BOB! LOL. Bob sort of forced the situation from the sound of things. And I agree with you that he does seem to have a positive spin on life.

I do not have a partner so there is nobody to share it with. I have told friends however, most don't get it but have an AHA moment. If/when you decide to have a go at sharing perhaps you could do it with your therapist. As well, we have had partners of multiples come here on occasion. If you were comfortable with that it might b a way of helping her figure out that we are not monsters like we are painted to be on shows like Criminal Minds. Welcome! Hope you come back.
I Am My Only Chance For A Hero!
08-25-2014, 03:08 PM
Find Reply
57thomas Offline
Member
*****

Posts: 11
Threads: 3
Joined: Aug 2014
#8
RE: Better late than never? (first post)
(08-25-2014, 08:50 AM)nats Wrote: we read A LOT. we remember if we've read a book and if we liked it, but rarely anything else. could never join a book club...

I get completely lost into a book (like it's real) when I read it, but when I read the next book I can't even remember the plot from the last one. So people will ask me if I read a certain book, and I remember I did, but when they ask what I liked about it, I just feel like an idiot because I can't even remember what it was about.

Maybe I should just say "I DID", and walk away, and leave them wondering about the funny grin on my face Dodgy lol.
08-29-2014, 04:33 PM
Find Reply
nats Offline
here and there..
*****

Posts: 1,552
Threads: 85
Joined: Dec 2011
#9
RE: Better late than never? (first post)
(08-29-2014, 04:33 PM)57thomas Wrote: I get completely lost into a book (like it's real) when I read it, but when I read the next book I can't even remember the plot from the last one. So people will ask me if I read a certain book, and I remember I did, but when they ask what I liked about it, I just feel like an idiot because I can't even remember what it was about.

exactly Smile
Blush Learn how to manage conflict, because the greater the level you can tolerate, the more freedom you will retain - E. Walsh Smile
08-30-2014, 01:58 PM
Find Reply
cew Offline
manyminds
*****

Posts: 34
Threads: 8
Joined: Mar 2015
#10
RE: Better late than never? (first post)
This sounds so much like my experience. You posted a while ago. Hope you are still here. Thanks for telling your truth.
06-17-2015, 05:23 PM
Find Reply
cew Offline
manyminds
*****

Posts: 34
Threads: 8
Joined: Mar 2015
#11
RE: Better late than never? (first post)
That's also a familiar experience!!!


(08-29-2014, 04:33 PM)57thomas Wrote:
(08-25-2014, 08:50 AM)nats Wrote: we read A LOT. we remember if we've read a book and if we liked it, but rarely anything else. could never join a book club...

I get completely lost into a book (like it's real) when I read it, but when I read the next book I can't even remember the plot from the last one. So people will ask me if I read a certain book, and I remember I did, but when they ask what I liked about it, I just feel like an idiot because I can't even remember what it was about.

Maybe I should just say "I DID", and walk away, and leave them wondering about the funny grin on my face Dodgy lol.
06-17-2015, 05:25 PM
Find Reply
The People Offline
Long Time Member Who grew Up Here
*****

Posts: 2,044
Threads: 716
Joined: Jun 2012
#12
RE: Better late than never? (first post)
Re the books. I am the same. I didn't know it was unusual to have a hard time remembering what something was about. I can tell you what the books I am reading right now are about but sometimes I will pick up something from a favorite author and a chapter in it is "crap I read this" So if people ask me about a book and I cannot remember I just say "I think so but I have read so many books it is hard to keep track.
I Am My Only Chance For A Hero!
06-17-2015, 05:32 PM
Find Reply
Unity Offline
Member
*****

Posts: 87
Threads: 15
Joined: May 2015
#13
RE: Better late than never? (first post)
I guess the whole issue of 'sense of self' and being "detached from the present" etc related to dissociation can be acting on when reading and lead to strange state =) The thing is i'm used to also read technical manual, documentations etc so these stuff i know i need to memorize it, so i'm also used to also read things with memorisation in mind, but when it's fictional book it's clear sometime i notice i'm like reading and turning pages but it's like ok what were the last page about idk, well it's sometime like i get into a scene in the book and i realize i missed whole pages and i don't know how it got there, sometime i have to force myself to really being able to 'remain there' while reading =) But for me it's already sort of scary when that happen because normally i'm used to have rather good reading/attention/memorisation of things when i'm concentrated, so it's clear it sort of freak me out when i realize i can't really keep track of a fictional book because my mind wander off even if i'm reading more or less =)

It does this to me with certain movies, but with movies it's clearly related with certain things, like when i watched the whole GITS season and it got me in total bad trip, i watched the 3 seasons in a raw like whole afternoon, the only episode i really remember is the one when it's the story of motoko because there is no violence in this episode i guess, all the other, i could barely say what they were about. But this one i remember almost all the scenes. I intend on watching it again because i love GITS in the manga, but it did me a very intense reaction last time.
(This post was last modified: 06-17-2015, 07:43 PM by Unity.)
06-17-2015, 07:28 PM
Find Reply


Forum Jump: