Disempowered

[Downtherabbithole]

Thanks nats. That helps. Though I think that I struggle partly because some of the traumas or alot of them could be seen as, they wouldn't of happened if I hadnt been so determined to face my fears at the time. I'd still go somewhere even if it cared me, I'd still go swimming even if I'd almost drowned previosly n had to be rescued. I'd try not let my fear stop me from going somewhere where someone had been that had done something terrible. I was big on not running away from things before then I learnt to let someone in n trust him. It was after I finally realised he was being inappropriate n thay he knew he was doing wrong thing n did it anyway... After that I reevaluated how I faced life. I used to have terrible panic attacks n dissociation facing fears, the whole courage thing. But after that incident n two years in rather unhealthy relationship I realised or concluded it could all come down to that very thing. I was afraid n did it anyway n things went bad, sometimes because of my reactions to that place or activity or person. I chose to not run away, if I had I wouldn't of been taken advantage of by pastor or had near death accidents or assaulted or bullying. I took the risk n paid the price. It was my own fault for all those things to happen. I brought it on myself by taking that risk. I don't know bout when was a child but at least as a teen young adult n adult. I chose to not run away. I didn't want to give up or give in n stop trying or stop believing or trusting. So it my fault. All of it. It's my own stupid fault..