Disempowered

[Downtherabbithole]

My supervisor at work mocks me saying she doesn't get how my dads a cop but I'm scared of everything... Last night when the tormented one came so did one of my dtrong angry parts angry at that statement. I'm not scared if everything she said, screw her screw the world she said. And other than differences in personality my dad prob didn't grow up traumatised continually from age of two so he can handle things we can't. Later on thoughts bout how grateful was for my dissociation that the traumas were broken into manageable parts otherwise I would be here today or I prob would be locked away. They help me survive. But this morning I guess I've got another perspective than that of that angry part still along same lines. But it was an awareness of differences between my dad n me, I grew up feeling like I had no power to stop what was happening power over my own curcuma trances was stripped away every time someone hurt me in very bad ways. Yeah my dad prob had a more stable upbringing but also, I think the difference was he felt empowered. He will stand up to the bullies n criminals n violent people because he felt n feels he has the power n ability to do so. The words I have no power to stop bad things from happening flowed threw my mind this morning and it was then I understood. Ive been disempowered. The way forward is I need to find a way to claim that power back, to become empowered. But without becoming like the people who have hurt me. I think a part of me does fear that at least. That if was to take control, fight back etc that might become the very thing I hate. So to not hurt anyone else remain the frail turtle that hides in its shell when can't cope anymore n the dog that plays dead like a ragdoll because to fight back is to risk becoming like them. Maybe it's not be way to be, it's just how things are right now.