This chapter may be impossible

[The People]

Before I start to talk about this, please don't give feedback in the form of suggestions. I just need to talk it out and am wondering about how people work through this. Or if they do.

MT SRA toward the end.

Because o the fact that Christianity comes up so often I feel the need to add a chapter to my book. Only I have no clue as to where to start. Do I believe in God? Yes I do. But I don't believe he is there for me. I ended up with a life so crazy that I am afraid people won't believe that such a life could never happen.

I have a friend with very strong faith. She knows much of my past. She has had her own dark times but for her life has made her faith stronger. She believes in heaven, that we will be rewarded for our suffering etc. I have trouble with that aspect of her faith. Why do I have to go through all of this misery with a possibility that I will get to sit on a cloud and play the guitar when I die?

I have had sp experiences, mostly things that I remember. They tell me that there is something up there or out there, whatever. It is possible that beings were sent to protect me. However, perhaps they were just protecting my soul as they certainly didn't protect my body. Or this crazy mind.

Yet, if someone asks me "do you believe in God" I have to say yes. I just don't know why. After all, I lived through hell here on earth. Some of the worst stuff that happened was done in the name of s*t*n. How could he, or his representatives not rescue me from such horror? Therefore, how can I believe in God? Why do I have to go through hell on earth in order to rise up and sit on that cloud?