I Don't Feel In Control

[just peachy]

hi group well by now I'm starting to feel like is this real ? or am I kind of going a little nuts ?I feel like I am always living in a fantasy world ... one of my past t said to me one time did is living in your own little fantasy world everyday where you get to pick out the beginning of how the fantasy story begins and then you get to pick out how the fantasy ends the way you want it to ... what a liar that T herapist was ..ha ha believe me and I'm serious when I say this I certainly wouldn't pick this ending ....I would pick an ending where I d...on't have dissociative identity disorder.. and a ctually now that I think of it I wouldn't even pick a beginning with did disorder.. I was reading these old posts of shadows and nats and cammy and peoples ...im quite frustrated with dealing with this stuff cuz the stigma that's put on having did ...I hope its ok to be gut wrenching honest here ....I don't mean any of this negatively to anyone else .and I'm not saying it to feel sorry for myself .. but I am so jealous of other people here cuz u all sound like u know your alters and learned good coping mechanisms I don't mean the newbies like shadows cuz he is newly diagnosed I'm speaking of the others that function well from d at to day ...who work or are disabled and yet they can function through caring for themselves and give to others .. through volunteering or helping others ...I sometimes feel like I am slow in some ways I want so much for people to say one nice thing to me and be sincere to me ..all I get is mostly laughed at made fun of and told how do u ever do it have did and go on with life like u do ..what are they thinking am I supposed to j ust rollover and die and die ...feels good to just get it out of my system even if people don't understand ...I ve been looking for psych doc or t with did knowledge to no avail .tried every kind of therapy dr u name it tired of it al l ..spent 500 dollars an hr out of my pocke t no help just less money to spend on me ..? ... does any of u live in the u.s now seems like you r all foreigners out of u.s ...please don't read anything negative from these statements .. just curious if its cuz more did specialists out there or better relations from m their families all I know is I have lots of money food money material stuff yet I have to live in a mice cockroach bedbug infested apt with 2 greedy landlords and a bunch of drug dealers invading the place as much as the bugs mice and otherwise oh and if that's not enough .... oh then there is the 3 stalkes stalking me for five years now ...and who r these crazy stalkers and where did they come from ..well honest truth relatives of theI had 18yrs ago when he was in kdgn and 5yrs old student is now 23 yrs old and his relatives are stalking me ...sounds like paranoia but true story thankfully 2 bus drivers I know for many years noticed these nut cases have been following me and depending on the route the bus drivers work they tell me when and where they see me ...I called police they do nothing ..stalking laws too weak in state I live until they harm me ... that's y I took short break from this group so suddenly cuz I didn't know it till later after I joined group they had keys to my apt and I had my computer out on table.which drug dealers and crazy stalkers .were in my apt then 4 months later new land lords took over bad as other ones maintenance workers are drug dealers cops looking for ... land lord went to school with neghbors bad ones ..stalkers took stuff from old apt I lived in .. now .I find out stalkers take drugs have serious mental issues and drink like fishes not to mention they don't know what a bath is ...ha ha I mention this cuz its some how connected to other apt all these people and problems that I used to live in ...oh yeah did I mention drug raid in apt building I live in and man killed across street from me drugs also connected to my apt ..lastly stalkers have scary past I found out cousin to past student I had killed 0month on bed and took 9 month after and threw against wall ..she died he said he killed her cuz she cried a lot ...so I was wondering none of the coloring I do for the littles is working nor is the soothing for me adult helps at all journaling is not helping cant think feel concentrate at all enough to write ...any ideas would help since I changed with dr the blood pressure meds I haven't fell since ...my head still hurts going to tons of drs hospital at all times in emergencies so that's y I am scared and my littles r scared caused I'm being watched by the drs the stalkers drug dealers since neighbor died got stabbed and beat to death and dealers got raided everyone is nervous and on edge including me ...and I have nothing to do with any of this ...but its nerve wracking to say the least ..therapist don't help mostly when I say did they wont deal with me or call back or I get drs who drug me up to shut me up been doing this did stuff with no help over25 yrs now any thoughts to stay as rational functioning adult would help ..mostly child alters r in control ..journaling helps a lot but scares me to cuz all the memories come out to fast as well as alters and that scares the hell out of me .. read where therapist said to have daily meetings in head with alters as well as fun stuff alters like to do ..problem is I start to feel like I'm crazy and that I'm like a freaking psych doc working on my self as a patient it sucks I cant stand it anymore like the saying goes been there done that dontwant to play this game any more ..ugh oh ..