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Newbie Loved One With Probable DID - KoalaGirl - 01-24-2017, 06:02 AM
Newbie Loved One With Probable DID
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Newbie Loved One With Probable DID
I'm in a rather complicated long-distance relationship with someone I finally came to realize very likely suffers from DID, and I need to talk to someone who has firsthand knowledge.

I'm going to try to summarize this in a million words or less without sounding like I am taking any of this lightly. On the contrary, this has torn me apart. And I'm utterly exhausted mentally & physically.

I met a man who is fantastic - brilliant, creative, kind, caring, expressive...and after more than a year of the most harrowing ups & downs, I've come to realize that he most likely suffers from DID. We have a long-distance relationship, but we have chatted for hours every single day; talked on the phone, and have spent time together in person. We shared pictures & stories from our earliest memories to our everyday lives.

There were early hints of childhood trauma - disjointed stories of alarming apparent hallucinations (that I now believe were fragmented memories of something his mind won't let him remember the entirety of) and heartbreaking pictures that spoke volumes. One schoolyear, class pictures captured a face of innocence & joy & apparent happiness. And then suddenly, in a very short period of time, all of his pictures had this same face...angry, resentful, frightened...wounded. He had lost a frightening amount of weight. His weight continued to cycle throughout his life (he's now in his 40s). I've never seen such dramatic fluctuations in weight.

Most tellingly, he would literally be a different person from one day to the next. At first I thought he was likely bipolar. Then at some point it all clicked. He was cycling too quickly for it to be bipolar disorder...and more and more I had begun to refer to his uncharacteristic states as being not the "core" him. (I'll call him Tex, since he's from Texas). There were shades of Tex, "core Tex" and "evil Tex". "Evil Tex", I believe, is the hypervigilant protector who will destroy anyone he sees as a threat to the collective. Tex sees the destruction Evil Tex inflicts, and he takes the blame and is contrite and repentant.

There were strange lapses that at the time I attributed to him being slightly manic & maybe not ingesting everything I was saying or writing...a sort of selective hearing.

The thing that solidified it in my mind...I think the thing that made it click for me...was that I literally saw him switch in front of me. At the time I thought nothing of it...but in made sense. And he was clearly

There's a Joker Tex in there who, unfortunately, is a harbinger of evil Tex....Evil Tex uses the Joker to disarm make you let your guard down...and then he goes for the jugular. He doesn't care if he's playing fair....he pulls out all the tools...he told me so when we were having a discussion about some of the awful things he said to me to push me away.

Tex is in law enforcement, which I think is the perfect outcome for a man like him - noble, caring, a defender. But in a moment where I first recognized a change, he told me that in his line of work, he sees some horrible things...and in life-or-death situations, you learn to use whatever tools you can to defend yourself. That is how he somehow rationalized all the horrible things he had said to me...baseless accusations of infidelity &...well...everything in the book you could imagine to make someone go away. He used some ugly words he could not justify and that he said he never meant. He seemed to be trying to make me leave to save me from him.

I don't remember the point at which it clicked, but seeing him in person was the key. There are subtlties that can't always be discerned in chat or even on the phone. Visual cues are missing. The most inexplicable one was something at the time that was so subtle, it was hard to articulate. I would see glimpses of him just as he appeared in that happy class picture, before he became so visibly broken...and it would appear almost in a montage...momentary glimpses of that boy coming out...pure joy...he would peek out...I cannot explain it, but it *makes so much sense* in the context of DID. The subtle changes to facial muscles...that young man came out for moments...and it was so beautiful. There were other indicators of happiness, but seeing that face in glimpses, all clicked.

We had broken up...not because we weren't madly in love with each other, but because the Protector had become so hypervigilant, so overprotective, he convinced Tex that I was a horrible person - lying, cheating, keeping secrets...though he could never pin down anything to support it, and "Core Tex" didn't seem to be able to articulate it, but the details never mattered. It was all reactionary & instinct.

The thing is, I loved him purely...and I still do. At first, when I thought he was just bipolar but refused to rein in the part of himself that had no filter, I began to harden myself & pull away...I knew he didn't really want me to leave, but he made it so hard to stay....he kept attacking me...calling me horrible names...accusing me of horrible things...

But I couldn't accept it. I *knew* it wasn't him, but rather his defenses. And I tried to demand he substantiate his accusations, hoping he'd see how basesless they were. At one point he even said in such a lamenting tone, "I threw the worst things I could think of at you, and you still wouldn't leave..." Never did he say, "I don't love you. Go away."

I didn't know whether he'd been diagnosed and was hiding it or whether he had been misdiagnosed or under-diagnosed. Honestly, I believe some part(s) of him have been trying to tell me...maybe they've been trying to tell lots of people, hoping they'd see....

He is in utter denial. But I know part of him suspects he has DID. He was using language from early on that shows a clinical knowledge of the subject. We talked openly about dissociation (I myself had at least one - now I"m realizing two - dissociative episodes) and strange episodes we'd both experienced (I grew up in a very dysfunctional household with violence, abandonment, and disrespect for boundaries).

He told me he was researching DID for a book he was working on (I know that the subject matter has no relevance to a character experiencing DID), and that he knew he did not have it.

I realized that in trying to help, I may have been encroaching a bit too much on his defenses & his boundaries. He had been acting as though he despises me for increasingly awful transgressions that were the complete opposite of how I was behaving. I was moving on...assuming he was bipolar & suffered from BPD....

But I couldn't shake the DID possibility. (There is a whole other layer I desperately need to address later, which is possible alternates engaging me on social media.) I sent him a simple messaging saying that I think I understand what's going on (I did ask him outright at the end whether he suffered from a dissociative disorder.) I said I was sorry if I violated his safe space or breached his boundaries. I said I think I understood what he was experiencing, and if I was right, he would need an ally. Even if I could never be with him in a relationship, I wanted him to feel that I was someone he could trust and who believed in him and who knew he was a good and kind soul. I said I knew these terrible things he said were just the Protector, who was doing his job keeping Tex safe, but who was too defensive and was keeping out the good with the bad.

I told him that despite all the horrible ways he was trying to make me leave, I was keeping a channel open...that he could always reach out to me and know that I was there for him, that I supported him, and that I knew he wasn't the weak, broken, fragmented shell he said he was. I told him I knew he was brave and noble and stronger than so many more people who would have completely shattered in the same circumstances. I knew he was amazing and remarkable and resilient and strong.

He sent me a simple message that let me know that he heard me and understood and appreciated it...and that he would always love me.

Unfortunately, we started getting close again, and I tried to have the talk with him again because I think the alters are contacting me, and the eerieness of being contacted by strangers who have too much "guilty knowledge" about me can be frightening. At first I thought he was "catfishing" me to get me to reveal all the horrible things he accused me of doing.

I became very paranoid and confused. I suspect everyone who contacts me out of the blue on social media to be him - or an alter. I just wanted to set all the mumbo-jumbo spookiness aside and say, look, this explanation is *so much more logical* than him being a sadistic, sociopathic monster who was stalking me & enlisting strangers to help torment me and mess with my head. It makes *so much more sense* that, seeing my distress at "evil Tex" attacking me, the predominant kind alters selflessly stepped in like guardian angels to try to save me.

I'm sorry this is so long....I need someone who believes this and understands it and can help me ...and help me to help Tex....

I just wanted to have a rational discussion with Tex about the alters. They need to identify themselves when the step in, just as one would identify on the phone that a different customer service rep has taken over a phone call, so you know how to adjust your demeanor, what needs reiterating, what is already understood.

He's back on a a painfully unhinged campaign of denial and accusation of me being psychotic. I don't think I am. I think DID is a *very* logical and rational explanation (think virtual machines on a computer to divvy up the separate components of memory-holding.) But Tex being evil is the least credible explanation. I just need some support to keep myself sane and to do what is best for Tex.

Again...sorry...this *is* the short version.
01-24-2017, 06:02 AM
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Newbie Loved One With Probable DID - KoalaGirl - 01-24-2017, 06:02 AM

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