Misunderstood

[Cammy]

I am so tired of others in the outside world taking me wrong. What I mean is that they misunderstand my meaning or intentions, usually quite opposite to what I intended. I am frustrated and wonder why this keeps happening. One of my worst PTSD triggers is being blamed for something I didn't do. Lately, if the misunderstanding has led to me being accused of something I didn't do, then POW... the trigger is pulled and the pain & anger well up like a tidal wave. Then I am rebuked for being upset. Then I try to discuss the issue with someone else who has PTSD and THEY totally get it all wrong. I am SO peeved and frustrated and hopeless and feeling alone. I am painted into this horrible corner. I woke up this morning and I felt numb and blank like my hard drive had been wiped clean. I didn't know who I was. I mean - I knew my name and all that, but I didn't know WHO (as in what persona) I was. It was eerie. I was no one. Absolutely no one. It was like every one of me had gone into hiding to avoid the pain. This has never happened to me (us) before. Usually I shake things off, but this isn't going away, and the more I try to fix it, the worse it gets. I keep trying to get help, and it's like I'm invisible or something. No one sees how messed up I am, or maybe they don't care (paranoia must be kicking in for me to say that). I am hoping that a little more time will pass and things will reset themselves. Maybe my brain just rebooted or something. Feels more like a boot kicked me in the brain, but I'll have to wait and see what happens.
        Sorry for the rant, but darn, I am SO frustrated and isolated and freaked out. Someone actually suggested to me that reaching out for help during a PTSD crisis was more like self-pity: that it was inconsiderate to expose others to my internal pain. Amazingly, I rarely ever reach out - mostly I am silent and tend to try to help others, so getting rebuked in this manner from another PTSD sufferer was especially painful. I'm in that special place where I can't trust myself or anyone else for that matter. When every word you utter risks being misinterpreted, it becomes a scary prospect to even speak anymore. I think it's going to take a while before I get this mess sorted out, but one thing is for sure - I won't be saying much to anyone for a while. Shazzbutt!!!!