Totally at odds with T last night Sp mentioned

[The People]

I put SP because it is touched on but not the focus. Just examples. So many feelings right now.

I felt like she was telling me that perhaps I should accept my life as it is. I try to make friends and little comes from it. As I said to her I am an extrovert by nature but forced to live the life of an introvert, sitting home every night with my cat. Doing things on my own. She suggested that perhaps I should just accept that this life. She used Monks as an example. But monks usually live with other monks. Their faith is strong enough to sustain them and their community supports them in many ways. I stated that nuns are the same. They chose a single lifestyle but again they have a group they belong to, have a strong enough connection with God that it sustains them and the people in their church are part of their social life. They don't feel alone. I was so upset about this that I came home and wrote her about this. Stating that I am not looking for marriage. Just a life.

She also commented that perhaps I am already making a difference and am not aware of it (important to me). How does that help me now? In this empty life? I told her about a friend that I used to talk to about these same issues and she promised me that the next life will be better? I don't talk faith with this woman as hers is so strong (although she is not without her own suffering) because of this response that she gives. I don't tell her that my faith is not as strong as hers. I barely have any anymore.

I talked about "friends" who tell me I am like family. With family they drop everything and go if there is a crisis. With me I am lucky to get a phone call. T said that perhaps it is because others view friendship in a different way than I do.

I have no life and these are the answers I get?

I told her about writing a letter to a woman who assured me that she would help me get a support group going and then wouldn't even answer my emails. Finally I wrote one to her stating that she was obviously someone who would not/could not help me and that I had given up on anything happening. She commented that it was 'teen' behaviour. Getting frustrated, striking out or pushing back. Do I not have a right to be angry at someone who was so assuring that she would help and then wouldn't even answer an email?

I am meeting a friend for supper tonight. She is in from the town I used to live in. I hate that I am in this down mood. It is a friendship where I often feel like I am going through the motions. Now is one of those times. She has weird boundaries. Her mother was visiting for over 2 months. She let me know that she preferred that I not write her at this time. Yes I understand that she wants to be with her mother but this was the same woman who found it acceptable when I met them for lunch when they were in town once and I expressed my negative opinion (gently) over the fact that the son was sitting and texting with me sitting right next to him. I looked at him and he put it away and when I commented to Mom she said "Oh we all do it."

I don't get most people. They don't get me. And I am just supposed to accept that? Sit home alone most nights? I left feeling very frustrated and emailed her when I got home. She doesn't respond to my emails.