Therapy

[Tangled Web]

I spoke to my therapist today on the phone. I was calling her to see if she had an appointment available for today which she didn't so we talked on the phone instead.
We have been seeing her for 2 years now. (well 2 yrs in Feb)
Lately we have been trying to discuss with her the "issues" we have been having with her.
She finds us very challenging and we have talked with her at length about this. This not something we are doing on purpose (being difficult) and we finally believe her when she tells us that she knows that we aren't doing it on purpose.
She tells us she loves the challenge and really enjoys working with us. She also tells us that by the time we are done in therapy she believes she will be a much better therapist.
This has opened the door for us/me to discuss things that she does or doesn't do that bother us. This is new territory for us so we tread lightly and carefully. We need to define the relationship or at least understand it before we delve any deeper than where we have been.
It is very time consuming. It is difficult because she will ask us what we need from her and trying to get her to understand sometimes is like pulling teeth. She doesn't get it. All we want her to do is to just "get it". But we don't know how to explain it to her so we go through this process of trying to explain it to her. It is difficult.
I honestly don't think it is that hard to understand but I am proven wrong so many times and don't understand why it is SO hard to understand me. The missing piece we have figured out is that I need to be validated-that is her word to what I have needed from her. I don't really care what the word is as long I feel heard and understood--that is all I have been looking for.
So the issue we have moved onto now is that she tells me I don't need to protect her and that she can handle whatever I have to say. The jury is still out on that one............
Here is the thing.........she is very careful with me when she talks and she chooses her words very carefully-even to the point of stumbling over her words and changing the direction of what she says in mid sentence. For me this makes it very difficult to trust her.
It causes doubt.
Like she is trying to hide what she what really thinks and just telling me what she thinks I want to hear. This is something we have discussed at length about also and she tells me she doesn't tell me what I want to hear and she isn't any good at that. BUT it feels that way to a point. It also makes me feel like she is handling me like a china doll that is easily broken and she is wearing such thick kid gloves on as to not break me-which goes against what she has told me numerous times also that she thinks I can do this and can handle healing and this process. But it doesn't FEEL that way that she actually believes that if she did then why does it feel like she handling me like a china doll?
It also makes me feel like she is unsure of herself and that could be why she stumbles so much over her words so maybe it is true she wants to help BUT has no idea how even though she thinks and has said she can help us. BUT wanting to help and knowing you are able to help are two different things. Maybe she isn't aware what she is able to do and what she isn't able to do.
Then there comes the issue of her saying that she is able to handle what I have to say and that I don't need to protect her--which I really want to be true BUT what if it isn't? I can't go any further with her until I know and I have no idea how to actually know if what she says is true. IF she has the need to choose her words SO carefully with me to protect me from something-thinking it is the truth why wouldn't I try to protect her from the very same thing? Does that make sense?
She tells me that she is like this with everyone and always thinks through things before she speaks and she is not that different outside of therapy with people then she is when she is doing therapy with people. IF that is true then this is a lifetime habit of hers one that will not be changed--so what do you do with that? I have no idea..........Thanks for listening