frustrated

[Tangled Web]

we're afraid she won't "get" or believe us if she doesn't hear it all--That is exactly how we feel!
We are still frustrated with T. The last session I tried very hard to explain things to her and her repetitive response to me was-well that is "normal" and I would continually say well that might be but not for ME! I was banging my head against a wall it felt and couldn't let it go. I still can't. Wrote her an email expressing that frustration and she responded saying that she should of told me that she knew it was terrifying for me and she does understand. And she wants me to continue telling her what I need. That isn't what I was looking for either. Well it was a piece of something but what I am looking for is when you know when you read a post on these boards and you get that feeling inside of complete......don't know the word.........but you are you like YES THAT IS IT!!!!! The person "got it" with the words typed here you have that feeling of WOW someone actually gets it! That is what I keep waiting for from her-waiting for her to get it and have the feeling inside that is like that-WOW she gets it. Is that wrong?
We have been seeing this T for 2 years now.
I was describing to her what had happened at work. We lost someone very near and dear to our heart.
I am one that keeps us functioning. I never cry. I can get angry and feel happy but the sadness never touches me. The feelings I get are like just flickers or small slivers and then they go away.
That is the way it has always been. Until recently-that changed.
So especially when I am at work-that is the place I function best and feel the most like me-I am ALWAYS able to handle ANY situations that comes up.
I was able to figure out what happened and why I couldn't do what I normally do and just function.
It felt like I was forced to stay in that situation because I had to deal with the family members and her husband after she had died. It was never ending (that is how it felt). I found myself getting angry, frustrated because I just wanted them to just go away so the hurt could go away but that didn't happen. I was in that situation too long and it ended up touching me-affecting me.
What ALWAYS happens is that when any kind of feeling happens-it is like I have this vacuum inside where it just gets sucked away and I am left with just the facts to deal with. I don't where it goes or what happens to the feelings they just go away and leave me to function on a factual level. It works! It has always worked! But there was too much that happened that day and the feelings were there. They touched me and it felt like they grabbed a hold of me and wouldn't let me go. I crumbled and was a mess-I couldn't function like I usually do. That was a huge blow for me on top of the blow of losing someone we really cared about.
That day was the first time in my entire life I actually felt my own tears fall down my cheeks. I thought I was incapable of crying. I know that must sound stupid but I honestly thought I couldn't cry. I never have. It hurt SO much and stuck with me-I couldn't get rid of it. The tears kept falling and I couldn't shut them off-I couldn't shut anything down-it felt like I was just a huge bundle of exposed raw nerves. People at work saw me cry-I saw me cry! I felt me cry! And it just wasn't for that day-it continued for the remaining days........and is still there now only back in the shadows.
Side note-I felt extremely bad about feeling angry. I was there for her family and husband and gave them all the support they needed. It couldn't be any other way and it was something I had to do. I was there for them and the connection grew stronger along with the hurt.
So I was explaining all of this my T and everything else that happened-I got up in front of all these people I worked with and her family members and gave an eulogy at her memorial service we had at work for her.......more tears fell........
My T--She says to me that is normal-It is normal to feel angry and the stages of grief-It is normal to cry when we lose someone we love-it is normal to have it effect you. And I kept telling her well it isn't normal for ME! She saw it as progress-which I can see that now-but I really just needed something from her that I couldn't get. This was extremely HUGE to me and all I get was it was normal. So yes I am frustrated! She says in her response to my email --I think that I do understand that it was huge for you to feel the feelings and to understand processing. I see this as major steps forward. I did know that it must have been terrifying and overwhelming for you and I should have told you that I knew.-- Those words did absolutely nothing for me. So this is where it stands and I have no idea where to go from here.

Things have changed inside now. I am starting to feel more things now-body feelings-maybe that is the wrong word. For example--it has been extremely cold out. Usually when I am at work in the morning I sneak out to have a smoke. I have gone out in my short sleeved uniform and had my smoke on the coldest days and yes I will feel a flicker of that when I step outside but it goes away-it has always gone away. Last year when we had that brutally cold winter-I never once turned the heat on in my apartment-I didn't feel the cold like most people-NOW I feel the cold! I get cold! I get to the point where I can't even feel my fingers I am SO cold! This has NEVER happened to me. I need to people to understand that! Yes, I can understand that this is probably a good thing and that it is progress BUT.........before I can go there and see it as all those things I have to get used to it. Does that make sense? It freaks me out-that is a HUGE change! It just doesn't apply to feelings like loss and sadness and I find myself trying to adjust to all of this and just trying to wrap my head around it.
And yes I want to progress but I also find myself trying to get things back to the way they were but then NOT and wanting to move forward.........But I think I need get used to this first-one step at time right? This is really hard. Thanks for listening.
Emma