comment on blame..

[Tangled Web]

Wow this is complex and I love questions like this.
I believe that you do need to take responsibility for your own life..........In saying that though, I believe that means that you take responsibility for your own choices. Adult choices. That is hard to do sometimes because we all make poor choices in our lives but taking responsibility for them is the beginning of change. It then turns into a learning process. IMO. As adult survivors we are taught to put the blame or responsibility on the abusers because we were children, I agree with this and still find it extremely hard to do ..............
How I understand this statement though coming from this perspective........what it is saying to me in regards to my own life and my own experiences and I might be going to a deeper level here and hopefully will be able to get the message across in a clear way.......There are two ways to look at this message, one from a survivors point of view and the other way as a more general way. I am going to focus more on my own survivors point of view. And please note that I don't mean to offend anyone with my words and I am speaking only from my own experience.......

It says to me that blame can keep you stuck in the past and hinders change. We were at a point in our own journey many years ago where we used our personal history of abuse as an excuse to why we did the things we did. Blaming my parents for the things they did to us and creating what I thought was a monster inside of me. The way I behaved was ALL there fault and in doing that it was like giving me permission to keep doing the things I was doing. It also gave them all the power over my life and MY happiness. Now don't me wrong here.....it WAS their fault and it still is BUT what I do with that and how I CHOSE to act is my own choice and my own responsibility. That is what I think this statement above is saying. That is what I have learned. Making changes in my life and accepting responsibility for my OWN actions doesn't absolve them of the things THEY did to me. They still are to blame for their own actions and need to be held accountable for those things and the responsibility lies on them BUT it is now my responsibility and my choice what to do with it. Does that make sense?

"The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.--This statement tells me that if you take responsibility for your choices and learn from your own mistakes you have a better chance at making your dreams come true. Only you, yourself know how to make yourself happy and only you can take responsibility for your own life now as adults.

When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility--This one is harder to explain and agree with. I think you can blame others for what they did to you BUT like I said above it is your choice what you do with that. If you are just at the point where blame consumes you (and that is ok if that is where you are at and I don't think that is wrong unless you stay stuck there) and can't move past that then you are not able to take responsibility for your own actions. Not fully, not to the extent where you can say yes they did this but it is now it is my choice and my decision what to do about it – ----you give others power over that part of your life." I agree with this. You do give them the power over that part of your life. This is something I am recently learning on more deeper level. I wasn't able to see the power my parents still have over my life, but in all honesty they still did/do. For example.......keeping their secrets prevents me from healing......And choosing to do that I am letting them have the power and control over my healing process. Yes, sure there are reasons I do this but they are my parents reasons not mine. They are my parents logic..........but ultimately it is MY choice now. My responsibility. So I am now choosing to take my own power back and I am starting to believe that it is worth fighting for.
TW