Looking for serious feedback

[The People]

I am 55. My biggest regret in life is that I have never had children. However, I could cope with that if I had a life. As some of you know I had to leave work several years ago due to health issues. Since then life has sucked so badly....

A while back I talked to that T about foster parenting older kids. I am too old to adopt and cannot afford it. If I foster I provide the emotional stuff and the province provides the physical stuff. MY PDoc was all for it but my T who also council's kids in foster care was against it. She felt that I was looking to build a family and that while she felt I could give them what they needed I would not get back what I miss. Love and affection. Disappointed I put it away.

I worked on my book today and as I did so I thought again about this desire to foster parent. I am not just looking for a ready made family. As I said in a letter I just sent to all formal feedbackers I do not view myself as Mary Poppins with her magic bag and umbrella who pops in to peoples lives and makes things perfect. However, I can provide an umbrella.

A lot of kids who reach the age of 'no likely to be adopted have major issues. That is why T was against it. They cannot bond, have ODD or other issues. Might be a few undxd multies floating around. My friend adopted an older child and her little brother. He is going to make it. The girl had already passed the point of no return and is really messed up. She cannot wait until she can move out of the house. This friend is not highly encouraging.

To be honest I would not take FASD kids based on my experience with them through work. They are pre-birth brain injury and tend to get worse as they hit puberty. They belong in a group home. Nor would I take in children with physical limitations doing primary care as I just cannot do it.

I am just wondering what people would think. While I do have S thoughts and urges it is because I feel like my life is without purpose. I write but it is not enough. I volunteer but it is not enough. I still overeat but not as much as I used to. I have a theory that some bingers have Celiac or some similar undxd disease and eat too much because the disease keeps them from getting the nutrients they need, My PDoc agrees. Hardly drink, never to get drunk. Well tipsy but it doesn't take much. Haven't smoked pot in 20 years and it was never my thing because I felt out of control on it. I have heard that multies have a weirder high than Monominds.

I know many people here would not go that route. I never gave birth for numerous reasons. Even if I could afford to adopt I would not take in a little kid as I am too old. I cannot afford to adopt an older kid but with fostering there would be financial support although that is not why I would do it.

Thoughts? Lots of internal silence. There would be time for the littles to be out while the kids were in school and after they went to bed. KA would have somebody to play with.