Feeling stuck creatively

[WendyLee]

This morning I had some ideas pop into my head just as I woke up.

1) OOAK. Creating one of a kind (OOAK) jewelry and accessories feels really, really scary to me and even just thinking about it triggers the loud tinnitus (ear ringing). It could be that I won't have the materials to make a duplicate item if someone asks and I will feel like a failure for not being able to do what they want or need...so I don't make anything at all... even things I can duplicate. I hate the idea of inviting criticism and/or suggestions on how I could or should have made my creations better. I was a lot more confident and was creating dozens of items before I fell and hurt my back a year ago, but maybe this issue would have come up eventually anyway.

2) Shoes. I have about 12 pairs of dress and nice casual shoes that I got at free places and I rarely wear. I keep them in case I might need them, but now I almost always wear Sketcher's ShapeUps. Other than having no money to buy suitable shoes, I think the issue is that as a kid I was forced to wear shoes that were too small and hurt my feet, so now I like to have a nice choice of dress shoes to wear as my weight goes up and down, even if I only go to events once or twice a year.

3) Bed. All year I sleep on the couch downstairs and have done this for about 3 or 4 years. It started many years ago by sleeping near the fan in the summer so I would not have to drag it upstairs every night. Then, after my youngest DS moved out I slept on the couch in the winter since I did not want to mess with the coal furnace and heat the whole house, so I just kept the den warm with space heaters. I started to sleep downstairs all year and put more and more things on the 2 beds since I was not sleeping on them. Now I sleep on the couch to listen to a video to drown out the tinnitus (ear ringing) so I can get some rest, and so I will not have to go down the stairs if someone knocks on the door. I just realized that I also do NOT like the idea of sleeping in a bed or in a bedroom due to the child abuse that happened behind closed doors, even tho' it was in a different house in a different state.

4) Moving house. Soon I may be living in an apartment or a rented room in a house, since I want to move out of my rented duplex in 6 months or so. Apartment living is too much like being at my childhood home, with all the 24/7, inherent noises and smells and triggers that I will not be able to get away from. At this time I don't think I have many alternatives since I do not have the money to get a house.

Where I am living now is extremely cheap, but my neighbors are horrible. My DS will be moving away in 6 months and I have no other support in this area, so moving to an area nearer my other DS in a large city with loads of other support options is a good idea, but really, really hard for me to do emotionally, mentally, physically and financially.

I could go into a long term residential or inpatient program at a VA hospital. I have loads of food allergies and sensitivities to deal with, but from what I hear I will be able to shop for what I need out of my pocket. It is something to think about, but I simply hate the idea of keeping few measly possessions in storage, and living out of a suitcase for an indefinite time... it feels sad and extremely scary.

It feels like another failure of mine by not having been able to figure out a way to live like I had envisioned as a kid who watched The Donna Reed Show and expected to have a nice home and extended, loving family by now. Somehow, magically, other people do it, why can't I?